I love buying gifts. There is nothing I love more than picking the perfect gift! The process of figuring out what that person would love – something that reminds me of them or of a moment in our relationship and then the look on their face when they unwrap it (I’m partial to using wrapping paper over gift bags). There is just something so amazing about it! I get so much joy from the whole process. I’m the kind of person who will pick up gifts for no reason – just because I saw something I knew they would love.
Where I struggle though is spending money on myself. If I was looking for a gift for someone else, I wouldn’t hesitate to spend $50 depending on how perfect the gift was and who the person is. However, when it comes to myself, I struggle to spend it. I will second guess it multiple times.
Over time I have learned that this stems from a lack of self-worth. And it is something I’m working on.
“She lacks confidence, she craves admiration insatiably. She lives on the reflections of herself in the eyes of others. She does not dare to be herself.”
~ Anais Nin
Recently, the Universe gave me a bit of a nudge. This year, for obvious reasons my work party is not happening. Instead, we were advised that we would be receiving a gift card! Wonderful, right? When I saw the message, I had an immediate thought that I need to spend it on myself – not on anything for anyone else or even for my home but for me. Almost as soon as I had that thought I heard my inner voice trying to talk me out of it – telling me that I was being selfish – that there were other ways I could spend it – my father’s birthday was coming up – I should spend it on him. I have a couple of people I need to get presents for this holiday season – I should spend it on those presents.
In the past, this inner voice would have won. This time, however, I stood my ground. I told it that I deserve to spend this “bonus” on myself. I decided to put action behind this message and started researching what I could spend this on. Then the self-doubt snuck in and to try and justify this idea to myself I went back into the old habit of looking for justification from others. I asked a couple of friends what they would buy for themselves if they had that amount to spend on myself. And although I did listen to their ideas, I was struck with the realization of what I was doing.
STOP! This isn’t about spending it on what someone else would spend it on – it is about spending it on yourself!
Finally, I was able to come up with 2 ideas of things I had been thinking about getting for myself but had been reluctant to spend the money on:
1. Sunrise Alarm Clock
2. Weighted Blanket
I began to research both ideas – reading reviews, comparing different types of each one, and asking friends if they had experiences with them. Then I was hit with the realization that the weighted blanket was more useful to me at this moment – after all – the idea of waking up with the sunrise alarm clock would only work if I had slept well – so it was only logical that the weighted blanket should be bought. I came across a (seemingly) huge obstacle though – there were no weighted blankets with decent reviews that would be entirely paid by the gift card I got from work – uh oh – I started to spiral a bit -almost giving up on the idea – until I caught myself. I worked out the difference and also considered the benefits I would gain from the blanket. In the end, I decided that the extra cost would be worth it. The day I received the gift card, I quickly made the purchase before I could talk myself out of it!
You may be wondering why I told you this story. There are two reasons. Firstly, I am proud of myself. Yes, I said it. Over the course of the couple of weeks that this all occurred, there were many times when I could have easily talked myself back into the feeling of not being worthy. Yet, I managed to get back on the “yes, I deserve this” train time and time again. I am excited about that and the progress it symbolized. Secondly, I hope that if someone else is struggling with these feelings of not being worth it, reading this – and my turmoil through it – will let you know that you are not alone. And knowing you are not alone can make all the difference.